


tides will bring me back to you.

by steelatoms



Category: Arrowverse - Fandom, DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Crisis on Infinite Earths Crossover Event (CW DC TV Universe), Crisis on Infinite Earths Spoilers, Death, F/F, First Kiss, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mostly Steelatom, Not A Fix-It, Other Ships are Background/Implied, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:53:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21755140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelatoms/pseuds/steelatoms
Summary: Nate Heywood had never really given much thought as to how he would die.
Relationships: John Constantine/Gary Green, Nate Heywood/Ray Palmer, Nora Darhk/Mona Wu, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	tides will bring me back to you.

**Author's Note:**

> hi so crisis has hurt my soul dctv owes me (also im in my clown movie phase but steelatom will always be my first loves)

Nate Heywood had never really given much thought as to how he would die; for someone who had literally lived with a life-threatening illness his entire life, he had always been a bit more reckless than he could afford to be.

Then he was strangled to death by his own best friend; the man’s emotionless eyes boring into his as he squeezed the life out of him. It had been a calculated plan, a manipulation to destroy the demon parading around in a Ray Palmer suit, spreading fear and pain wherever he went.

It didn’t make it any less traumatising, and whilst he had tried to move past it (and the strange feeling of something,  _ someone  _ being missing), he hadn’t exactly been the reckless, fearless hero he had once been.

Things had been awkward with Ray, so awkward that instead of hanging out with his friend and his captain, he had hung back to play Skyrim with Behrad instead (he loved Behrad, but there was still something unfamiliar and strange about him, even though they had known each other for years).

He knew why things had been so uncomfortable between them; the whole traumatising experience had reminded him just how much he loved Ray.

He loved him more than he had loved anything in his life, and the memory of his hands on his neck (squeezing, breaking,  _ killing)  _ was worse than anything he had ever experienced, not only because he died, but because Ray had to suffer with the guilt of everything Neron had done whilst posing as him.

When Ray returned a day later to collect Constantine, there was something sad about his demeanor, but he didn’t bother to ask.

Mona asked Sara what was happening, to which the Captain flatly replied,  _ “Crossover.” _

“Screw that.” Mick grumbled.

Charlie nodded, “Yeah, who wants to hang around a bunch of tossers in costumes?” and earned a glare from the costumed Sara.

“Are you sure everything’s okay, Sara?” Ava asked, brushing her girlfriend’s hair behind her ear, obviously sensing her sadness.

Sara gave a weak smile, “Yeah, I’m good. Just stupid crossover crap.”

“How’s Oliver and the others?” Nate finally spoke, and it seemed to sting.

Ray’s flinch was like a stab to the gut, but it was the obvious lie that followed that hurt more, “Uh-- He’s-- they’re… everyone’s fine.”

“Ugh.” Nora complained,  _ “Oliver freakin’ Queen.” _

Sara snapped, “Look, if you’re going to bitch about him, the door’s right freakin’ there!” at Nora’s incredulous glare, she instantly backtracked, “Sorry. It’s just-- Ollie’s a friend.”

“Right. Sorry.” Nora sighed shakily, and Nate could almost see her traumatic memories washing over her, and Sara's guilty downcast gaze showed that she could see it too.

Mona was at her side in an instant, taking her hand and squeezing, and Nate longed to take Ray’s, which was trembling a little at his side.

“Sharpie, could you tell Gary that I’ll have to take a raincheck on that little date of ours tonight, on account of me bein’ a strappin’ hero?” John requested.

Ava nodded, “I’ll let him know, John.” she cupped Sara’s face, “You sure you’re okay, Lance?”

“Yeah, just… long day.” Sara’s voice was a little choked, as if she was, or had been crying, “But I need you to stay here. I love you, okay?”

Ava smiled, but it was masking her obvious worry, “I love you too.” she leaned down and kissed Sara, the assassin pushing back with desperation and looking like she was going to sob when they broke away for air, “I’ll be seeing you.”

Sara nodded, “You bet you will.” she grabbed her hand, giving it a small squeeze before opening a portal.

Sara was the first to leave, glancing back at Ava before disappearing, then John, who followed with a smirk on his face, unaware of the horrors that faced him.

Lastly, Ray turned to go, but stopped for a second, looking up at his friends, “Could I have a moment alone with Nate, please?”

The rest of the Legends filed out, leaving the two alone and Nate could feel that overwhelming anxiety flaring up, “So, what’s this about?”

“I wanted to say goodbye.” Ray replied.

Nate gave a nervous laugh, “You couldn’t say that with the others here?”

“No, because it’s not all I needed to say,” he stepped closer, “I know you’ve been avoiding me since Neron.”

Nate barked a laugh,  _ “Me? Avoiding?  _ Never!”

_ “Nate.”  _ Ray tilted his head, unconvinced, “Come on. I know you better than anyone in the world.”

It was the truth, and vice versa.

Nate swallowed thickly, and he felt tears burning behind his eyes, “It’s not you. I swear, it’s not. It’s just-- when I close my eyes, I remember-- But it’s hard, because I care about you a lot, you’re my best friend in the whole world and I love you. I love you more than anything and I--”

He was cut off when Ray cupped his cheek and pulled him up into a kiss; he stiffened against the motion, not really believing it was happening (this  _ had  _ to be some kind of dream).

Ray pulled away, looking surprised that he even went through with it but before he could excuse it, Nate pulled him back down into another kiss, one that rung with desperation and, at least from Ray’s side, urgency. He was scared of something, truly afraid and it felt like Nate was about to slip through his fingers.

They only broke away when Barry Allen’s voice called from the portal, “Ray, hurry up!”

Ray pulled away with a groan, his hand still against Nate’s cheek, “To be continued.”

“I’ll be waiting for you.” Nate gave a small smile which Ray didn’t reciprocate as he turned away, walking toward the portal and disappearing without so much as a goodbye. When the portal closed, Nate exhaled shakily and acknowledged that he was being watched, “I don’t need an audience.”

Mona came from the library and squeaked,  _ “Oh my God.  _ My OTP!”

“Good that you’re finally taking the hint.” Behrad commented.

Ava nodded, “I’m a lesbian and I could tell he was into you.”

“Yeah.” Nate smiled, but the feeling that something was wrong remained in his gut.

* * *

Hours later, that feeling was reaffirmed when there was an alert resounding from Gideon, causing Behrad to throw his controller nearly halfway across the bridge.

The remaining Legends all gathered, Ava asking, “Gideon, what’s happening?”

“A wave of anti-matter is spreading across--” the AI broke off, and a red cloud of energy tore into the ship, consuming Rory first.

_ “Mick?”  _ Nate yelled.

Charlie was next to go, mumbling, “Oh, shi--” before she too turned to dust.

After that, it was quick, Mona and Nora clinging to each other as they disappeared, Ava whispering Sara’s name one last time before she was gone and Behrad glancing tearily and confused at Nate before the cloud consumed him too.

After that, the next few seconds were agonisingly slow as he attempted to outrun the wave, texting Ray with one hand as he did so.

_ I love y- _

The wave suddenly hit him, and it felt like every cell in his body was being torn to pieces; it was both painless and agonising as his phone dropped from his hand, the message unsent.

He tried to think it; to will it, so that somehow, wherever he was, he would know. Ray would know just how much he loved him.

He continued to will it until the last atom in his body was gone, torn apart by the wave of anti-matter.

Even as he died for the second time, he loved Ray Palmer with all his soul and that was all that mattered in the grand scheme of things as somewhere across the universe on a parallel Waverider, Ray Palmer also died, his final thought about how much he truly loved Nate Heywood.

They were gone, reduced to nothing and yet for a moment, they could feel each other, and somehow, it made death less terrifying.

**Author's Note:**

> follow my twitter @steelatoms and my tumblr @bisexualseg-el
> 
> kudos/comments are v appreciated (also i wrote this on no sleep lmao)


End file.
